First the Earth cooled, and then the dinosaurs came.
But they got too big, so they died, and turned into oil.
Then the Arabs came and bought Mercedes Benzes.
Prince Charles started wearing Lady Di's clothes.
I couldn't believe it! He took her best summer dress, put it on...
Things sure haven't changed.
Captain, I think we've got...
Captain Oveur, what's wrong?
What's wrong? What are you trying to say?
One... One what? One word!
First word? First syllable?
Captain, I'm not very good at this. 1 0 words!
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.
What am I saying? Throat.
Throat. Sounds like choke. Choke. You...
Oh, my God! You were gassed by Rok?
I got it! I got it!
Simon, the Captain's been gassed by Rok.
Simon, we're way off course.
You're right, Elaine. We are off course.
- My God! The sun! - What is it, Simon?
The fiery ball in our solar system, but that's not important now.
We're headed right for it. We've got to leave this ship.
That's foolish. We have to change course.
We're computer-locked, and the manual navigational system is down.
Ted was right all along.
What will I do? My career will be ruined.
What about the careers of everyone on this ship?
The lawyers, the architects, the dental hygienists?
Forget about them. We have to think of ourselves.
What happened to the man I thought I loved? I'm going to get Ted.
Don't come apart on me now.
I don't mean to sound forward - I mean, I know I don't know you,
but I don't think that we're going to live through this.
And I've never been with a man before.
I know that this isn't the right place.
Until we get through, our hands are tied. We need plans.
I'm busy right through Friday.
- Stinson. - But how about lunch Saturday?
Have you contacted the families of those on board?
They're outside now, sir. They're not too happy.
Try and calm them down. For God's sake, be diplomatic.
Give them the lead!
Ted, listen to me.
We've lost the crew, and Simon's turned to jelly.
Ted, we need you.
Elaine, you were right about me.
I folded up over Macho Grande, and I folded up on the test flight.
I crack under pressure just like they said.
You overcame your drinking problem. I know you can overcome this.
It's no use, Elaine. I just can't do it.
Ted, you were right about this ship.
I don't know how to say this, but maybe in this topsy-turvy world,
they should take all the "sane" people and lock them up
and let all the psychopaths out of the asylums to run the world.
No...on second thoughts, that's a bad idea.
What I'm trying to say is that I was wrong and I hope you forgive me,
because we need you in that cockpit now more than ever.
There's some banged-up people back there.
I'll need some fresh sheets, gauze, and all the Vaseline you have.
- Ted, please! - Right now.
- Are you the nurse? - Y es. Take this.
The washroom's just down there on the right.
I don't mean to sound forward.
I mean, I know I don't know you,
but I don't think we're going to live through this,
and I've never been with a man before.
I know this isn't the right place...
Simon, l...
This is mission control. Do you read, Mayflower?
This is the Mayflower. Come in, anyone.
Now we're making some headway.
We read you, Mayflower. Identify yourself.
Well, this is Elaine Dickenson. I'm 5'8", 1 23 pounds,
I have...brown hair, blue eyes.
I enjoy surfing, backgammon and men who aren't afraid to cry.
Would somebody tell me what a woman is doing in charge of that ship?
Maybe she's got her ship together.
But he smells so bad...
- Can I sit here, mister? - Y eah, sure.
- Be careful with that. - I will.
- Can I ask a question? - What is it?
It's an interrogative statement used to test knowledge.
But that's not important right now, mister.
Is my dog Scraps going to make it?
I'm scared, mister. Somebody has to do something.
Scraps is going to be fine, son. You'll both be just fine.
Striker, you got to listen to me. They forced me to cut corners.
- Get out of my way! - You gotta help me...
- Elaine. You're all alone up here. - Y es, I am.
- What's going on? - There's no time to explain.
- I was wrong about you. - We all make mistakes.
- I'll never make that mistake again. - Forget about it.
We're not living in the past or the present any more.
This is the future.
Don't worry. Everything's going to be OK.
I love you, Ted.
Here it is. Elaine Dickenson, ship's computer officer.
Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickenson?
I'm taller, a better dancer and much more fun to be with.
Ted, I have the feeling
we've been through this exact thing before.
Except this time I know exactly what I'm doing.
You mean...?
That's right. We're at the mercy of that computer.
Then these things are totally useless.
Mayflower 1 calling mission control. Do you read me?
A man. That's more like it. Identify yourself and give me your position.
The name's Striker. I'm sitting down and facing front.
- Why would you want to know that? - Striker?
Striker!
- Ted Striker? - That's right, McCroskey.
I may be in the cockpit, but there's not much I can do.
We're at the mercy of the computer.
- McCroskey, do you read me? - Striker?
- McCroskey! - You're fading out. Come in.
- Damn! Lost them again. - Could be sunspots.
Or your detergent.
Striker flew that 767 into Chicago years ago without a crew.
Now, would somebody tell me what he's doing up there?
The radio's gone dead. Elaine, try the emergency phone.
Help us, please.
Thank you for calling the mission control emergency line.
All our operators are busy, so please stand by.
- Ted, it's a recording. - Let me have that.
We said all our operators are busy, so please stand by!
The boys downtown are taking heat from Washington.
The president will want an explanation.
Bud, let the boys in Washington handle the president.
Sorry to pull you out of bed.
- Forget it. I was reading. - What's the story?
It's about an man who catches this fish, but that's not important now.
We've restored radio contract.
Good. We keep losing their radio.
McCroskey, give it to me straight. What's it look like?
A radio? It's about so big, green, lots of knobs.
I mean the situation. What do your people think?
They're screwed.
They're dead.
Did I leave the iron on?
- Come in, Control. - We read you. Come in.
McCroskey, I got to be straight with you.
I don't think I can regain control of this ship.
Striker, this is Steve McCroskey, chief controller.
Now, I want you to listen good.
A few years ago I helped a young pilot through a storm over Chicago.
He said he couldn't do it, too.
But when the going got tough, that kid pulled it together.
He made all the big papers and the Canadian Jewish News.
I don't know if that kid's still got it,
but if he has, I know one thing...
if he was there now, he'd find a way to turn that bucket around
and get out of there, pronto!
You gave the wrong speech. I'm not your problem. It's the ship.
The fire made the computer go berserk.
We've lost the crew, and we're en route to the sun.
Now here's what you do. Stay calm, keep an eye on those gauges.
Things are going to heat up. We'll figure out a way around the computer.
What are we going to do?
We're going to have to blow the computer.
Blow Rok?
- That's right. - Ted, you can't do it.
What do you mean?
It has a self-defence mechanism. I can't get around it.
We've already lost three men. I don't want to lose you, too.
Then I guess it's in God's hands now.
I'm Father O'Flanagan. I'm a man of God.
And you must trust me when I say it's likely we're all going to die.
Our top story tonight, fire rages through downtown Buffalo.
Also in the news, lunar shuttle heads for the sun and certain disaster.
Our top story tonight, fire rages through downtown Tokyo.
Also in the news, American lunar mission locked in death struggle.
A fire in downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory.
And on the lighter side of the news,
hundreds of capitalists are soon to perish in shuttle disaster.
If this country was run by vegetarian women rather than flesh-eating men,
this whole space disaster would never have happened.
We're working to raise the consciousness
of the vegetarian minorities with diet sensitivity training
so that people will be able to deal...
The key is their computer.
Until we put that ship on manual, there's nothing we can do.
- Get me that computer program. - Yes, sir.
- Who's in charge here? - McCroskey, Control.
- Hallick, Homicide. - Jacobs, Sagittarius.
We've got our own problems, so make it good.
A passenger has a bomb and is suicidal.
Good one.
His name is Joe Salucci.
He was flying to Des Moines for an operation for sexual impotence.
- The Des Moines lnstitute? - You know it?
We're familiar with it.
Joe gave his wife this insurance policy then got on the shuttle.
Mrs Salucci thinks he's suicidal.
We had the boys in psychiatry do a profile on him.
- Yeah, that looks pretty bad. - It's not his good side.
Now, blowing up a plane in space leaves no traces for investigators.
This is a $1 -million policy.
Wait a minute.
This is auto insurance!
That's why we're worried, gentlemen.
This clown's impotent, suicidal and incredibly stupid.
And that spells trouble in my book.
Trouble.
Stinson, get me those Mayflower plans.
You, clear that table in there.
I'll get the cards and the bridge bits.
And somebody get me the sarge.
The heat in this cockpit is getting unbearable.
You can fry an egg on this control panel.
I don't know what'll to happen to us,
but I love you and I always will.
That might be the news we've been waiting for.
- This is Mayflower 1. - Striker, I got news for you.
You got a passenger aboard named Joe Salucci.
- He's carrying a bomb. - A bo...
No, not a "bo," a bomb. Do you hear me, Striker?
What am I supposed to do now?
Get that bomb. I don't care how. That's our top priority.
All the other problems can just wait.
As if we don't have enough problems already.
You'd better fasten your seat belt.
Sir, you'll have to put your cigarette out.
- Which passenger is Joe Salucci? - 1 6-C. Why?
- He's carrying a bomb. - A bo...!
No, not a "bo," a bomb.
Now, as discreetly as possible, move the passengers into the lounge.
- We don't have a lounge. - That's not important now.
- Get everyone away from that bomb. - What should I say?
Anything. Just don't let Salucci think we're on to him.
I'll do my best.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen, please.
Would everybody move to the lounge who is not carrying a bomb.
Don't move!
Mr Salucci, they know about you back home.
Stay where you are!
You don't want to kill all these innocent people.
- I don't care about them. - Joe, listen to me. It's hopeless.
No one's ever gotten away with a stunt like this before.
Joe, the insurance is worthless now.
I don't believe you.
Joe, you got to trust me.
No one will hurt you.
No one has to know about your problem.
No one has to know you're impotent.
Don't say that word!
Scraps!
Nice going, Striker!
We're not out of the woods, but you got rid of that bomb.
- Not exactly, McCroskey. - What do you mean?
- The bomb's here beside me. - There, beside you in the cockpit?
Striker...
What the hell are you doing up there?
I got an idea that might just work.
It's a long shot.
I want to use the bomb to blow the computer.
Striker, you've got to be crazy to try a stunt like that.
Maybe, but it's the only chance we've got.
When that bomb blows, we'll lose our oxygen fast.
I'll have to get us out as quick as I can.
- I'm taking her to 0.5 worp. - 0.5 worp?
0.5 worp.
I test-piloted this shuttle. I know exactly what it can do.
Striker, listen to me now and listen good.
That thing is bound to come apart at that speed, and that's no good.
It's got to be in one piece when you land.
You know that that worp drive has never been tested!
You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!
- Over here! - Contestant 38.
I'll take air shuttle disasters for 40.
The answer is...the Mayflower.
Ted, what are you going to do?
Elaine, I'm going back there with the bomb.
You're my hero.
The bomb.
Be careful.
Listen good. If you got any ideas, now is the time. I want to hear them.
How about Hollywood Squares but with kids? Gary Coleman could host.
- Simon just ejected. - Sit down, Elaine.
If this works, we might make it.
- Simon was a fool to eject now. - You mean...?
That's right. Premature ejection.
Striker, listen and listen good.
You'll be on lunar radio range any second.
The next transmission that you receive
will be from Buck Murdock at Alpha Beta Base.
- Not BUCK Murdock? - No. Buck MURdock.
Who's Buck Murdock, Ted?
A guy I flew with during the war.
He was with us that day I led the raid over Macho Grande.
And he's still alive?
Striker, son... we're all betting on you.
5-1 they all die.
8-5 the women and children make it.
6-4 they lose the crew.
0.5 worp... God help them.
Nobody's ever travelled at that speed before.
Last spring, we did Europe in nine days.
Then we went to Bakersfield and Fresno.
No one goes to Fresno any more.
All communication lines are clear.
Ready to transfer to Buck Murdock at Alpha Beta. Over.
Gentlemen...
I don't find it easy to talk at a time like this,
but I got to say something about that guy up there,
and I can sum it all up in just one word...courage,
dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle
and...G-U-T-S. Guts!
Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger
than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!
When we're ready, we'd like you to remove your eyeglasses and shoes
and place your head between the knees.
Between your own knees, Father.
We've blown the computer.
Elaine, you'd better check the readout.
We're slowing down.
- Set course change. - Set.
Compute.
Here goes.
Elaine, we hit 0.5 worp, and everything seems OK.
We've got gravity control back.
Sorry.
Elaine, you'd better brace yourself.
This is faster than man has ever travelled before.
In case some of you are wondering,
we are travelling at half the speed of light.
Some of you might experience a temporary metabolic change,
but there's nothing to worry about. Thank you.
- Commander Murdock. - What is it, Lieutenant?
The Mayflower's in trouble. She's coming in hotter than a firecracker.
Their computer's down. They've lost their crew. They're on manual.
- We'd better get to the tower. - We have no tower.
- No tower? - Just a bridge, sir.
Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?
Lieutenant... How would you handle this?
- We could try ignoring it. - I see.
Pretend nothing has happened
and hope everything's all right in the morning.
Just a thought, sir.
I've considered that. Must be a better angle...
If they've lost their crew, who's in control of that bucket?
Some guy by the name of Ted Striker, sir.
Ted Striker.
- Do you know him? - Never heard of him.
That's not exactly true. We were like brothers.
We flew together during the war.
We were close, real close, until...
Until, sir?
Until that day over Macho Grande.
Over Macho Grande, sir?
I'll never get over Macho Grande.
Forget it, Lieutenant. It wasn't a pretty picture.
What have you found?
These red lights keep moving back and forth.
Aside from that, this thing seems to have no function whatsoever.
It must have some function.
Why would the government put all that money into a thing with lights?
Sir, these lights keep blinking out of sequence.
What should we do about it?
Get them to blink in sequence.
- Rorshack, what do you got? - What do you make of these?
That's a bird. That's a horse with a hat on.
I pulled Striker's record. I don't think you're going to like it.
It's worse than I thought.
They'll hit our atmosphere in three minutes. How do you want to play it?
I want a 6-foot trench dug around the base. Fill it with gasoline.
Get women and children to the shelters.
Contact the Japanese ambassador.
Rorshack, get me a complete file
on everyone who's seen the Sound Of Music more than four times.
On second thought, kill those orders.
Down scope.
Fate can play a strange game sometimes, Lieutenant.
Fate, sir?
Striker wipes out his entire squadron over Macho Grande,
and now those people's lives up there are in his hands.
I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
But it's his ship now.
He's the top dog,
the big man,
numero uno honcho,
the head cheese.
I just hope he has the right stuff. Up scope.
We have radio contact.
Yes, I'll take care of it right away.
We've had some problems with the ship.
If you're going to use the washroom, please be careful.
I've been on my feet all day.
I sure could use a little breather.
Striker, this is Buck Murdock. Do you read me?
I read you, Murdock.
Hope he's not still bitter about what happened between us.
If not for those people, I'd say let Striker go down
in a fiery mass of molten metal.
Striker, let's just pray you don't screw up here
Iike you did over Macho Grande, so just follow orders.
We've got you locked on beam. Prepare to kill auxiliary engines.
Roger, Murdock.
All right, Striker, kill the auxiliary engines.
Ted, the lever!
The lever just came off. We're still at worp.
Try another lever.
There are no more levers, just switches.
- No buttons? - Just switches, lights and knobs.
Cut the bleeding-heart crap.
We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker.
Down here, there are hundreds and thousands
of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights.
Blinking and beeping and flashing.
They're flashing and they're beeping.
I can't stand it any more! They're blinking and beeping...
Sir! Sir, control yourself!
- Pull yourself together, sir! - I'm all right.
All right, Striker.
You'll have to pull that lever panel off. Do you understand?
Just rip it off.
Elaine, screwdriver.
OK, the panel's off.
Find a piece of metal and shove it in.
A piece of metal?
Any piece of metal will do.
I'd give anything to get some metal up there.
Here we are surrounded by metal, and it's useless.
Might as well write them off.
Let's close up the bridge.
Let's get outta here.
Close it up. Lights out.
Where am I going to find a piece of metal here?
In space? At this hour?
Will this work, Ted?
Thanks.
Hold it, Murdock. I've got something that might work.
- Wait. - A bobby pin.
What the hell's a man doing with a bobby pin?
Lights on.
All right, Striker, if a bobby pin's all you got, it'll have to do.
Shove it in there and short that thing out.
Ted, it's working.
We're losing speed.
She feels like she's going to break up.
- She's starting to shake. - Starting to shake.
- She's starting to shimmy. - Starting to shimmy.
She's starting to...
What? What's she starting to do? What's she starting to do?
- Shudder, Ted? - She's starting to shudder.
Starting to shudder.
- How bad is it? - At least she's not cracking up.
She's beginning to crack up.
All right! Quiet!
We're monitoring you. Keep her nose up. Don't fight her.
She's fighting me!
Ted, there's Alpha Beta.
We're going to have to come in low to land.
- Is that difficult, Ted? - Sure, it's difficult.
Coming in low is part of every textbook approach.
It's just something you have to do when you land.
Striker, we don't have much time, but I'll say this...
you pull this off,
and a lot of people just might forget that Macho Grande ever happened.
We'll get her down and down safe.
Before we go any further, there's something important you should know.
Slow down! The base is straight ahead.
They've just hooked into a communications satellite,
and as we speak, our transmissions are broadcast all over the world.
Billions of people are hanging on our every word.
The eyes, ears, noses and throats of every American are on you,
each one of them hoping and praying
that you could put that ship down in one piece.
Ted, we're not stopping.
Now, Striker, start by positioning your landing gear.
Lower your flaps.
Just keep her level.
There's no looking back.
Put on your horizon sensor and level her off.
Ted, we're going back up.
Elaine, you'd better get ready for this landing.
Keep up your stabilisers. Don't lose control.
Now fire both jets and hang on with both hands.
Both hands, damn it! I'll say one thing,
you bring down that flying hunk of junk, you're OK in my book.
Don't fight her, Striker. Hold her up.
I hope you enjoyed your flight.
Fly Pan Universe again.
You gotta hit the centre of that strip or you're a dead duck.
Let's go home.
Y es, thank you for flying Pan Universe.
Have a nice stay.
Shift those turbo chargers.
Now check the sensors. Deploy your secondary boosters.
Is there a courtesy phone around here?
Hello. We'd like you to have this flower.
We're with the Church of Lunar Consciousness.
We'd like you to have this flower. Would you like to make a donation?
You're almost home.
Hold her.
Stay with her, Striker.
It takes a soft touch.
Don't let her get away from you this time, Striker.
I don't know if this is a good time to ask,
but could I get my briefcase back?
Striker!
You know what it's like to laugh like that?
Y es. Y es, I do.
What did he get?
A one-way ticket to the funny farm.
- Des Moines lnstitute? - Then you know it.
We're familiar with it.
Just don't come apart on me now.
Jimmy, do you like it when Scraps holds your leg
and rubs up and down?
You were gassed by Rok?
I got it! I got it!
Your navigator Mr Unger.
First officer Mr Dunn.
Let's get to the tower.
We have no tower.
No tower?
Just a bridge, sir.
Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?
How would you handle this?
I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.
Well, first the Earth cooled.
Then the dinosaurs came,
but they got fat and died
and turned into oil.
Then the Arabs came
and bought Mercedes Benzes.
Give the court your impression of Mr Striker.
I don't do impressions.
My training is in psychiatry.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
so help you God?
The second time bomb on your right.
Certainly.
That's exactly what they'll be expecting us to do.
English